Secret of My Heart
by RainyMysteria
Summary: (YAOI) Jiang Wei: "Have you ever been in love? I have, and I can tell you for a fact that it's not all candy and flowers. I know this because I live it everyday. Zhou Yun..." CHAPTER 2 is up!
1. Knowing You

------------------ Secret of My Heart ------------------  
  
By Rainy Mysteria (rainymysteria@hotmail.com)  
  
**Note: The characters in this fanfic are based on Koei's Dynasty Warriors 4 and Suan Ruan Er is from the book. This is my second fanfic on Dynasty Warriors 4. Unlike my first fanfic, this one will be shorter and the story is mostly from a first person perspective. I hope you enjoy this fic and please submit your reviews, so that I know at least how many people are reading this and any comments are appreciated. You are warned that this is yaoi (male/male relationship) though and there is no reason for you to flame me for that.  
  
Chapters will be updated depending on responses and reviews for this fic.  
  
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who reviewed and supported my first yaoi fanfic (Heart on Fire) of Sun Ce/Gan Ning/Zhou Yu/Xiao Qiao. This encouraged me to write another fanfic which is this one. 'Secret of my Heart' takes us to the Shu camp, looking into the thoughts of Jiang Wei, Zhao Yun and the Shu forces.  
  
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Chapter 1 - Knowing you  
  
--- Jiang Wei ---  
  
Have you ever been in love? I have, and I can tell you for a fact that it's not all candy and flowers. I know this because I live it everyday.  
  
Okay, so imagine this; you're in love with one of your friends; one of the few people you can *really* talk to, hang around with, no matter how stupid you act, and you can act *really* stupid. You've known this person since forever and everyday the ache in your chest grows because you *know* you'll never say those three words to that person, since you're stuck in the "friendship zone."  
  
Now try making this situation a little worse. The object of your affection is also the object of someone else's affection, and your friend returns the feelings for them. Not only does this cause major pangs of jealousy but you know you can't do a damn thing about it.  
  
Now for the devastating part. Your friend, who you've loved ever since you laid eyes on them since joining the force, is a guy. And you're a guy too...  
  
Yep, I'm gay...there, I said it. I haven't told anyone that, not even the person who I want to so badly...yet I don't. And to top it off the person I'm referring to is Zhao Yun, the mighty general of Shu and a very serious person on top of that.  
  
Only he's not always like that. It rips me apart because there is a woman who can make him thaw, get past that serious exterior and connect to him in a way that no-one else can. Her name is Suan Ruan Er. That's what gets me most...the way he's just out of reach. Just past my fingertips.  
  
One day I *will* reach him, and tell him how I feel. I don't think I even care if I'm rejected anymore, just as long as I get it out in the open instead of bottled up inside...but I know I won't, not really. I may be known as Zhuge Liang's potential successor who wears an innocent smile and can talk just about everything...but when it comes to telling Zhao Yun I don't think I could find the right words. Maybe when the time is right...  
  
...But there's never a right time... 


	2. Burning my Hopes

Chapter Two - Burning my Hopes  
  
--- Jiang Wei ---  
  
There it is, the light shining at my closed eyes. Fucking sunlight. I roll over lazily, covering my face with the blanket. I never *was* much of a morning person. Usually I would pull down the curtains to block the sunlight.  
  
I start drifting back into the hazy limbo between awake and asleep until it dawns on me *why* I have to leave the curtains open in the first place. To get up early for training. Training with Zhao Yun.  
  
When I want to I can move like lightning. When I fight, for example, I *know* how fast I can move, but you've gotta if you want to take on someone with a weapon or a huge wild beast. This is another one of those occasions that I've gotta move quickly and I do, splashing my face with some cold water, pulling on my clothes, almost tripping over my pants as I misjudge my footing before pulling my long brown hair into a pony tail. Perfect...or not. It doesn't matter as I grab my spear near the door and run out of my room, legs burning as I swerve around the corner, almost knocking over two girls before I finally reach the entrance to the training area, a little out of breath. Today's training area is at the jungle near the Shu's main camp, the rich scent of exotic plants lingering in the air and the humidity almost overwhelming me.  
  
If there's one thing I enjoy it's training. Actually that's a lie, I enjoy training but I enjoy it more when a certain dark brown haired guy is there to keep me company, and I don't mean Ma Chao or Wei Yan. Zhao Yun and me have been coming here ever since I can remember. First it started off as a once a week thing but after the battle of Hu Luo Gate we've been coming here near enough every morning to train hard to defeat the mighty Lu Bu. I guess we've grown a little closer from the whole ordeal, but apart from our little training sessions in the morning I don't see him all that much due to him being in charge of Shu now that Liu Bei went to the Wu's camp to meet Sun Jian. Oh yeah, sure, Zhao Yun appointed me a nice cushy job to train soldiers with spears (and who better for the job?) but he's still awful busy...God I sound obsessed with him. Maybe I am.  
  
I trudge through the undergrowth, watching out for any wild beasts that might attack me when I'm suddenly met with the business end of Zhao Yun's pike.  
  
"WOAH!" I exclaim, backing away from his outstretched arm. I've fought with Zhao Yun too many times not to know how much damage he can do with that thing.  
  
After he realises it's me he lowers it, arching an eyebrow and holding back a sly smile that is creeping onto his face.  
  
"You should've seen your face," he says, mildly amused by my panicked expression. He sure has a twisted sense of humour.  
  
"Ha ha, very funny." I say rolling my eyes at him before cracking my knuckles and stretching my arms above my head to warm up my muscles a little "Are you here to slice me up or do some training?"  
  
He folds his arms, looking me over, "Maybe a little of both."  
  
What did I tell you? Sick sense of humour.  
  
"Whatever, come on."  
  
*********************************************  
  
So we're here, near the waterfall, we trained with our spear and pike, sparring with each other and had our lunch there before proceeding with another sparring session. Zhao Yun managed to scarred my left arm as I could not avoid his speedy moves. We stopped right after that and he's leaning against a huge rock casually cleaning the tip of his pike with a small cloth, which is now dyed crimson from the blood. Not that I can comment, since my left arm are covered in the stuff. Being a martial artist isn't the cleanest of professions.  
  
"Fuck...I need a shower." I say, more to myself than him but he notices anyway.  
  
"Hmm..." he looks up, eyeing my blood-stained arm and clothes with a little disdain, "Yeah...you're pretty soaked in it."  
  
"Thanks for the observation." I reply sarcastically, adjusting my boots before standing up slowly, brushing some fallen hair out of my face, "You wanna go yet? It will be sunset in an hour."  
  
He nods, his dark brown eyes conveying all the information I need to know. They always do. If you look at them you can determine his mood and sometimes even what he's thinking...or maybe I just know him too well by now.  
  
"You were good today," he says as we walk back towards the entrance of the Shu camp. I can feel my cheeks flush slightly at this. It's not often that I get compliments from him, and I burn it into my memory.  
  
"You weren't so bad yourself," I say back, nudging him in the ribs, which provokes him to smile a little, just the corners of his mouth curling upward a tiny bit. It's enough to make me smile back though.  
  
We carry on walking, and just when the lack of conversation is consuming me he breaks the silence.  
  
"Can I tell you something?"  
  
He stops, something in his eyes making me halt too, frozen to the spot.  
  
"Um...yeah, sure. What is it?"  
  
I notice that he fidgets with the handle of his weapon, taking in a deep breath. Almost nervous...could he possibly...no he couldn't be about to say what I *want* him to say...could he? He's been acting out of character all morning...  
  
"I'm going to ask Suan Ruan Er to marry me."  
  
What?  
  
Sun Ruan Er?  
  
Marry?  
  
WHAT?!  
  
My world doesn't simply fall to pieces, it fucking breaks in two. Acid burning through my hopes, jagged talons ripping at my thoughts and a polished knife devastating my heart, hollowing out my chest and replacing the regular dull thud with the sound of sharpened nails screeching across a blackboard.  
  
I blink and I can literally feel my body sinking into the ground, my stomach full of lead.  
  
"You...you're going to ask Suan Ruan Er to.." I spit out the next words, resenting them bitterly, "*marry* you?"  
  
He nods, looking for my reaction. I simply smile, a fake grin plastered to my face. What else can I do?  
  
"Do you think I'm making the right decision?"  
  
'No, I don't. Please don't marry her...'  
  
The smile is still on my face, "Yeah" I reply, pausing before hesitantly asking, "you *do* love her...right?"  
  
Maybe I imagined it, maybe I hoped that I saw it, but he hesitated, looking down at his pike before making eye contact with me again.  
  
"Of *course* I do."  
  
Is that doubt I sense in his voice? I don't know...I don't care right now, because *he* is going to ask *her* to marry *him*. Damn it, I hate this whole situation.  
  
"Congratulations. Does anyone else know?" I ask, trying to keep the bile that is rising in my throat inside my body.  
  
"No, just you since you're my best friend and all." he says, a warm smile on his usually serious face.  
  
This comment usually would have my heart skipping beats, my face broadening into a grin...but right now being considered Zhao Yun's best friend seems little consolation considering he just told me that he plans to spend the rest of his life with Suan Ruan Er. Now I am officially in the "friendship zone." Damn it, I'm *king* of the fucking "friendship zone." I'm second best...fuck; I was destined to lose this battle before it started.  
  
"Right..." I'm good at covering up what I feel when I want to since I've had years of practise, so I pull him into a tight congratulatory hug that takes him off guard, patting him on the back before I pull away, "When are you going to ask her?"  
  
Why do I torment myself by wanting to know everything? After all, ignorance is supposedly bliss.  
  
"Tonight, I think. It's our six month anniversary today."  
  
"Wow...that long huh?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
There's an awkward silence and he starts walking again. We're almost at the entrance now. Silence. When we reach the entrance he stops again.  
  
"I've got to go; strategy talk." Zhao Yun says, boredom evident in his voice. He blows some dark brown hair from his face before looking at me once more, "And I think you should go...take that shower."  
  
I look down at myself. Great. Covered in blood and the sun is only beginning to set.  
  
"Yeah, yeah..." I wave him off lazily as I jog past the regular crowd of soldiers who are about to go for evening training. I get a few odd looks but I'm greeted with the usual "Good evening General Jiang Wei." Yep, being the head of spears training means I have to teach at this time too. Oh fuck...I have a group of soldiers to train soon and I need to change.  
  
I run along to the officers quarters, hoping to wash away the blood...and the ache of what he just heard from Zhao Yun.  
  
***********************************************  
  
--- Zhao Yun ---  
  
I wish I hadn't said that now. I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut as I usually do. Why did I tell Jiang Wei that I was going to propose? I hadn't even decided if I was going to or not. Sometimes I hate myself for stuff like this.  
  
It's not like I'd even decided whether I was going to propose or not. Maybe I needed a decision and telling someone was a way of making my mind up...no turning back. Why do I feel so regretful? If I'm going to propose to Ruan Er I should *want* to...right? It shouldn't feel like a chore, but it does.  
  
"You *do* love her...right?"  
  
Jiang Wei's voice echoes around my head. Do I love her? I don't even know yet...it's too soon to know. Sure, I *like* her in the sense that she's my friend, something I recently learnt the meaning of...but does that mean I should be marrying her? Why am I even considering it?  
  
Even as I ask myself these questions I know the answers already. It's because it's what's expected of me. Everyone wants me to be with Suan Ruan Er, be the hero and get the girl, but I don't know if it's what *I* want. She'd love it if we got married; I know that for a fact since she often hints at it. Is *that* why I'm considering this?  
  
Liu Bei emphasizes all the time that Suan Ruan Er is "such a lovely young woman"...but what would he know?  
  
As Jiang Wei jogs off, his clothes stained but his face bright as usual, I walk up towards my room to wait for Pang Tong. When I finally reached my room on the third floor I noticed that Pang Tong was not there. I felt that my grip on my weapon is tight, my battle gloves creaking slightly as I place it back in it's case, which sits on my desk amid the piles of books.  
  
Why do I feel so confused about this? Well...there's no turning back. I can't exactly back out of this now that I've told Jiang Wei.  
  
I sigh, sitting down in my big wooden chair, my feet resting on the desk. Too much work...too much to think about...  
  
**Note: Thanks to those for correcting my error on Zhao Yun's name. It was probably due to the confusion with Zhou Yu (as I wrote that name many times in 'Heart on Fire'). Next chapter to come soon. Please submit your review or opinions. 


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